His Perfect Submissive Page 11

  "So, you think there is hope for me to stop being afraid of sex and the panic attacks it causes?” Kara asked.

  "There isn't a magic bullet. I don't think your fear would disappear instantly. It's too deep and too old. The fear going away would be the by-product of time, training, and trust."

  He studied her. She could feel his eyes sweeping over her face, as if he were quietly gauging her reaction. “The cornerstone of dominance and submission is trust. We would start by building your trust in me. When you trusted me sufficiently I would start teaching you to obey me. We'd start with easy things that didn't cause you great distress and eventually when you had the foundation of trust and obedience to support you, move into more difficult areas. Hope rose within her. She already trusted Slade and she'd only known him for a couple weeks, most of which they'd spent separate. “The focus on trust and obedience would make it easier for you to do the hard things that I would ask you to do to help you get beyond the fear."

  Excitement swelled in her chest. If there really was a way to get rid of the fear that had haunted her, that had stalked every waking moment for twenty years she wanted to take the risk. “Are you sure it will work? Have you—have you done this kind of thing before?"

  "Trained a sub? Yes, I've done that before."

  She sensed a smile in the softness of his voice but couldn't see his expression in the darkened room. She wondered if he was remembering the sub he'd trained and felt an irrational stirring of jealousy.

  "I have never personally used dominance to help a sub deal with fears as deep as yours, but I know several people who have. It's not unusual to use certain aspects of dominance and submission to help someone overcome a fear or to expand their comfort zone."

  Her excitement soared, tethered only by her uncertainty.

  She wanted to be free of the fear and the panic attacks more than she had ever wanted anything else in her life.

  The promise of being free of the constant fear of someone getting too close or of an unexpected scent catching her off guard and triggering a panic attack, was like being offered a chance at wholeness when she'd lived most of her life in a shell. “It will work? You're sure?"

  "Yes, Kara, I'm sure it will work. I wouldn't suggest it if I wasn't."

  "If I say yes, then what?"

  "If you say yes, then there will be some ground rules, simple easy ones at the beginning. More difficult ones later,” Slade answered.

  "Like—like what kind of ground rules? Do I get a sneak preview?"

  "If having one makes you more comfortable,” Slade responded.

  Kara waited anxiously for the other shoe to drop as she wondered what it would take to be free of her fear once and for all.

  He propped himself on one arm so that he loomed over her, with his face only inches above hers as his unflinching gaze met hers in the predawn darkness. “First, there will be no more hiding from me. That means no more half-truths, no more looking down and avoiding meeting my gaze, no more big bulky sweaters to hide beneath. You will need to be completely open and honest about everything you're thinking and feeling. I need to understand what's going on with you emotionally and physically so I don't hurt you."

  She shifted to face him more fully. She gazed up into his face, her eyes deciphering the determination and the affection that warred for dominance on his face.

  Fear clawed at her. She hadn't said yes and already he was disrupting her world. “I don't have anything but big bulky sweaters."

  "Buy some other things honey, I'll go with you if you want, but it's not negotiable."

  She felt as if she were folding in on herself, as if everything was suddenly upended and she didn't know where anything fit anymore.

  "What else?” Her voice was dry, flat, just a hoarse whisper as she looked up at him, her heart pounding in her chest. She felt fearful of the spell he was weaving around her, and yet she didn't want to be free of it.

  "I want you to trust me implicitly. I know that takes time and I don't expect you to trust me completely overnight but I want you to work toward trusting me that much. I want you to submit to being my wife and accept me as your husband and eventually as your master. I want you to stop trying to figure out ways to wiggle out of our marriage."

  She raised her gaze to his, sensing his gaze in the murkiness of dawn light that was just shifting through the shades on the window. It surprised her that he knew she'd been thinking about asking him to release her from the marriage.

  "I know you were thinking about it Kara.” He smiled at her. His smile was comforting in its familiarity. It made her want to cling to him and the unique combination of strength and tenderness he was offering. She wanted the connection, the stability, and the safety he offered, yet she couldn't really even imagine having that kind of stability in her life. There had never been anyone in her life that she could trust completely, and those she'd thought she could count on had abandoned her at the worst possible time.

  In the aftermath of her victimization her family had fallen apart. In the end she had been left to fend for herself and her brother. It had made her strong, but had scarred her in ways she couldn't even begin to understand.

  She wanted to trust Slade implicitly as he had asked her to. She wanted to be able to lean on him and count on him to be there when she felt the familiar suffocating panic, the way he had been there the night before but she desperately needed to be able to give back. It wasn't enough to just take from him.

  Her mind spun on the precipice of decision. She did trust him. She had told him more about her kidnapping than she had ever told anyone else, even her parents. She hadn't told him everything but she'd told him some of the worst and he hadn't left her. In fact, he'd drawn her closer and become if anything stronger, more stable, and more nurturing.

  "I do trust you Slade. A lot,” she murmured. “Thinking about getting out of our marriage has nothing to do with trusting you."

  "What does it have to do with, honey?” he asked. She felt his eyes on her, studying her expression as she shifted next to him, her eyes focused on his chest.

  "I was thinking about asking you to let me out of the marriage because I can't ... meet you half way. I can't give you anything close to what you give me. You've been patient and gentle and I'm just ... scared ... and broken.” She sucked in a deep breath. “It's not fair to you—"

  "Kara honey, you give me plenty. You trusted me enough to marry me, that's a huge gift all by itself, especially when I know how scared you were.” He nuzzled the top of her head, spreading little kisses over her crown. “I don't take that as a little thing at all."

  "But I didn't have much choice—"

  "It's true I didn't leave you much choice about marrying me but you had a lot of choices about how you dealt with the marriage after the fact. You could have been distant and cold and angry. You could have met me with stony silence. You could have used coldness and anger to keep me at arm's length. You could have been difficult; bitchy. You weren't any of those things. Instead you were open. You trusted me with your feelings after the wedding. You trusted me with your body last night. Those are not little things, honey."

  "It doesn't feel like much compared to the way you took care of me last night.” She swallowed hard, fighting back tears that sprang to her eyes. “No one else has ever ... taken care of me like that before."

  He stroked her cheek and kissed her gently as she fought to control the swell of loneliness her words had expressed. “Your parents didn't?"

  She shook her head.

  "They should have."

  "They weren't in very good shape after—-” She drew a deep breath and swallowed hard. She didn't want to cry, not now, not again.

  "You can relax and trust me honey. I'm going to take care of you from now on. It's part of being your husband. I care about you. I want to see you happy."

  She was quiet, trying to wrap her mind around what he was saying. Everything he was offering seemed bigger and deeper than anything she had contemplated before
.

  "You're considering intensifying your gift to me by becoming my submissive as well as my wife. That's giving me a whole lot, baby, more than I deserve."

  "If I do—become your submissive—are there other—um—expectations?"

  "Yes.” He used his finger to tilt her face so that her gaze was meeting the full steady flicker of dominance from his. “When we're alone together I'll want you to call me Sir or Master. Either one works as a way of remembering that you are mine. I want you to begin to get used to thinking of me as your dominant, not just your husband."

  "I want you to be both. I need you to be both.” The words startled Kara. She hadn't realized she intended to speak them until they were out.

  He stroked her shoulder lightly. “Talk to me honey, I can see you're afraid,” he said.

  She dipped her gaze, avoiding the intensity of his expression. “I don't want to lose the husband I trust in exchange for a Master or a dominant I don't know."

  "You don't need to worry. We're one in the same. A Master is just a more potent form of a husband. In a dominance and submission sense a Master is someone who takes care of you, emotionally, physically, spiritually, the way a husband does in vanilla relationships. Dominance and submission just adds another deeper layer and kind of a foundation on which the marriage is built. I want you to begin to understand that I care for you. I want you to begin to feel worthy of my care and attention. Calling me Master or Sir will help you do that. But the husband part is still right here and isn't going anywhere."

  She gazed up at him in the pale light of dawn that was beginning to streak in through the shade covered windows. Her eyes traced the hard lines of determination that marked his jaw line and his brow before softening at his mouth.

  "Okay so far?” Slade asked studying her intently.

  She nodded although she felt far from certain. She was okay with the half-truths about her captivity for now. She knew that eventually she would tell Slade about Kayla's death and the more complete story of what had happened to her during her captivity.

  Her real worry was that she would probably never be able to get pregnant or have children. The doctors who had repaired her after she was raped had said there was so much scar tissue it was unlikely that she'd ever be able to get pregnant or carry a child to term. It hadn't seemed important when she was seven, and she hadn't asked her doctor about it since. It hadn't seemed important at first, but now it did. Slade would want children, children she wouldn't be able to give him. That knowledge, and the knowledge she was keeping it from him added another link in the chain of deceit that weighed upon her.

  His voice drew her attention back to him. “I'll want your obedience. That means if I ask you to do something I'll expect you to do it, even if it feels strange at first."

  "What if I can't do it?” Fear caught in her throat as she contemplated the number of things he could ask her to do that she wouldn't be able to force herself to do.

  "Then I would expect you to tell me, Kara. Nothing in our dominant and submissive roles goes against either of us using good common sense. Nothing in our roles takes away from the fact that I care about you and I want to help you. If I'm asking you to do something you're uncomfortable with I want you to tell me. I don't want to hurt you. I don't plan to ask you to do anything that would hurt you, although it might embarrass you a little. It's all supposed to be good in the long run."

  "Why would it embarrass me?” she asked thinking that he'd already seen her naked, already kissed her most intimate places. He'd already seen her in full melt-down after a panic attack. What more could there be that would embarrass her?

  "Because every part of your body would belong to me and you might find my claiming certain parts—embarrassing."

  "Oh.” She wasn't sure what he meant but her mind spiraled around the thought that he might be talking about claiming her anally. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. It was the one part of her body that hadn't been sullied by the rape. Still, she felt uncertain about Slade touching her there.

  "There's a difference between something being out of your comfort zone, and it being so far outside it that you can't do it or don't want to. I want you to tell me how you're feeling about everything we're doing. I need to know how you feel so I know when to expand your comfort zone and when to help you bask in where you are."

  "What if I have another panic attack?"

  "I can't promise you won't. I can promise that I'll be careful not to push you so far or so fast that you have one. But if you have one I'll stay with you and hold you and we'll talk our way through it just like we have this time."

  Kara thought about the way Slade had taken care of her after the panic attack. At the beginning she'd been so mortified at the thought of having one and embarrassing herself, and yet, when it had happened he'd been there, warm and solid, calm and nurturing.

  She thought over his words. She'd been afraid of dominance and submission at the outset of their marriage largely because of the pictures and descriptions she'd seen on internet websites. But his words in the car and his words just now had reduced her fears. It all boiled down to trust and whether she trusted him enough to do what he asked of her.

  "If I say yes, can we talk about the sweaters? I really don't like clothes that make me feel ... exposed and vulnerable."

  "Kara,” he sighed. “You're making too much of what I said about your sweaters. You can wear sweaters, just not ones that hang past your knees and four inches off each shoulder."

  "Oh,” she whispered, feeling stung by his description of her clothes.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, honey.” He snuggled her against him. “They're not bad. Just a little too big for you. Besides,” he arched a teasing eyebrow; “I like you much better like you are now, without any clothes at all.” He leaned over her, his mouth hovering above hers.

  She gazed up at him feeling lighter than she could ever remember feeling. The knowledge that he knew what had happened to her and that it hadn't changed his feelings about her made her feel warm and cozy inside.

  "So? Is this yes?” Slade asked, his mouth still hovering above hers as he gazed intently into her face.

  Her mind raced. He wanted an answer. A simple yes or no.

  Chapter 10

  Kara's mind groped for an answer. He wanted an answer, he wanted her to boil her feelings into a simple yes she trusted him enough or no she didn't. Either she would submit to him or she wouldn't. How did she distill everything she felt into a simple yes or no?

  She struggled for an answer, wondering if she trusted him enough to let him call the shots in their relationship, if she trusted him enough to defer to his judgment and accept his decisions about things that affected her intimately. Did she know him well enough for that?

  Even more importantly, she questioned whether she could trust him not to be repulsed by the things she would eventually have to tell.

  She knew he was a good man. He was above everything else dependable. He'd been unshakable when she'd been lost in the panic attack and its aftermath. He'd stayed with her anchoring her when she'd felt traumatized all over again by the nightmares that had come one after the other. He hadn't wavered. He'd just been there, strong, stable, comforting, whispering gentle things that had made her feel safe and protected. He'd given her what she needed, no questions asked.

  She knew he wanted her submission, that it mattered to him, that her submission was something she could give him that would even the score a little between them.

  "Yes Slade, it's yes. I want to try to ... to be submissive,” Kara answered.

  Slade caught the undercurrent of uncertainty that ran through the soft lilt of her voice. He understood. It wasn't an easy decision to choose to give up control, to trust another to care for you, especially when you hadn't known them for very long.

  "Open your mouth for me baby,” he said as he lowered his mouth to hers.

  She parted her lips as his mouth descended. He teased her lips with his teeth,
nibbling first her full lower lip and then her thinner upper one. He urged her mouth open further and sucked her lower lip into his mouth where he flicked it with his tongue.

  She moaned softly. He knew she enjoyed the sharp thrill of pain with pleasure and he gave her what she wanted, alternately worrying her lip with his teeth and soothing the minor discomfort with his tongue.

  Eventually he released her lip to trail his mouth down her neck alternately nipping and soothing the sting of his teeth with the gentle swipe of his tongue.

  Slade enjoyed her pleasure as she arched the sweet softness of her body toward him. Her short, rapid breaths made her breasts heave and fall in quick succession, which made her pretty rose, tipped nipples dance temptingly before him.

  He knew that she was subconsciously enticing him to take her nipples but he held back, feeling compelled to make her tell him what she wanted this time.

  She needed to get used to voicing her wants and needs, besides; he would enjoy hearing her soft silky voice asking him for all the things he wanted to give her anyway.

  "Tell me what you want honey,” Slade said as he nibbled at her neck alternately sending a scattering of pain shafts through her and soothing them away with a gentle tongue.

  She arched her body upward. He understood the wordless begging of her body but he held back. “What do you want baby?” he asked ignoring the frantic push of her breasts against his chest. “Do you want my hands on your breasts, my hands teasing your nipples?"

  She nodded, arching toward him, consumed with passion she couldn't deny even though she feared it would lead to another panic attack.

  "No Kara, tell Me. Use words,” he said against her neck as he sucked her earlobe into his mouth and nibbled it with the sharp edges of his teeth.

  "Yes, I want,” she arched against him. He released her ear lobe and moved so that he could watch the expressions that flitted across her face as he awaited her answer. “I want your hands on my breasts, um—pinching my—um nipples."